


don't wanna walk alone

by Macremae



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drift Compatibility, Fluff, Ghost Drifting, M/M, Miscommunication, Post Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 13:07:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12631683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Macremae/pseuds/Macremae
Summary: I'm gonna look good for you honeyGet my myself together, spend you all of my money, yeahAnd I know it's hard enough to love meEven as the residual drift effects begin to wear off, Newt and Hermann are still left with the memories of what they saw. As the Kaiju war comes to a close, the two must confront their feelings before it’s too late.





	don't wanna walk alone

**Author's Note:**

> i love these dumb babies so much. thanks to indecisivefandomer and sadhipstercat for beta-ing!

Things began, and then they ended, and then they ended again.

His mind was fuzzy, even as the noise and cheering around him forced a sharpened focus. The clamor of people celebrating life, of mourning death, of memorizing the moment in which all of the horrors came to an end, was deafening in its roar. Newt could practically feel his ears vibrating with the force of it all.

With a start, he felt an arm land on his shoulder. Without looking, he knew it was Tendo helping him in his own boisterous way, drawing him out of his mind and into the moment around him.

As he turned to look beside him, Newt discovered the other reason for Tendo’s contact. Hermann was staring at him, a tiny smile creeping onto his face. His gaze landed on Newt before darting away bashfully, then back to Newt as if asking a question.

Newt was puzzled for a moment, before realizing what it was. With a brilliant grin, he slung an arm around Hermann’s shoulders and pulled him close in a side hug, gripping his arm like a lifeline. Hermann was warm against him, bony but solid. He could feel the pulse of his heartbeat both through his body and in his own chest, an aftereffect from the Drift. Their contact felt so unbelievably right, like a piece of Newt had been missing ever since the event. He couldn’t help but sigh a little as a feeling of wholeness washed over him.

Even as he pulled away, Newt still felt the phantom sensation of Hermann pressed up against him. His arm slipped around Hermann’s back and rested loosely next to his hand. Newt swallowed, glancing down at it.

His fingers trembling, he brushed them against Hermann’s, looking the opposite direction nervously. He could feel Hermann’s surprised gaze fall on their hands, pausing for a moment. His stomach dropped.

Then Herman quietly slipped his fingers around Newt’s. 

Newt felt his breath catch, before quickly tightening his grip around Hermann’s hand. It was cool and dry, his long, slim fingers curling around Newt’s own warm ones. 

_Oh my God,_ he thought hysterically, _we’re the thermodynamic equilibrium._

He glanced up at Hermann, feeling his face heat up as he saw Hermann looking back at him. They both looked away quickly.

Newt could feel a wave of something coming off of Hermann, but he couldn’t quite place it. It was something like… confusion? No - embarrassment? Why would Hermann be embarrassed?

Newt frowned. Was he being too forward? Hermann had never been silent about his dislike of Newt’s lack of personal space before, so why now? And if he was so uncomfortable, why had he taken his hand too?

Then, he remembered something that Hannibal Chau had hissed at him, all those hours ago in the bone slums. This time, it chilled him for a different reason.

The drift went both ways.

Newt and Hermann had drifted: thus, Newt had seen inside Hermann’s mind. 

Newt had seen inside Hermann’s mind: thus, Hermann had seen inside of his. 

Hermann had seen inside of his: thus, Hermann knew exactly how Newt felt about him. 

Hermann knew exactly how Newt felt about him: thus, Hermann knew about Newt’s super-massive-mondo crush on him. 

Hermann knew about Newt’s super-massive-mondo crush on him: thus, Hermann was totally uncomfortable because oh my God who _wouldn’t_ be after seeing the rest of his mind?

Hermann was totally uncomfortable: thus, he was super freaked out by Newt’s feelings and was only holding has hand as a sort of consultation. Nice try Newton, you gave it your best shot, but you’re a walking disaster who’s never going to get someone as amazing as me. Fucking cheers.

Newt wrenched his hand away, stumbling a few steps backward. “Are - are you fucking kidding me?”

A look of concern- -no, (it’s gotta be) pity--, crossed Hermann’s face before souring quickly to anger. “Language, Newton. And no, I am not ‘kidding’ you, I am being perfectly clear with my intentions. If you are unable to accept that, I simply don’t know what to say to you.”

“So I guess you just think I’m a freak, huh?” Newt spat, his vision blurring from either the anger or the tears threatening to spill. “I get it, ha ha very funny, weird Newt is weird, what an asshole. Well you know what Hermann? Screw you, alright? Screw-fucking-you!”

With that, he whirled around, heart pounding in his ears, and stormed out of the control room.

\--

Newt dug his palms into his eye sockets, pressing his fingernails into his forehead so that they carve little half moons. He sighed, wanting to scream.

The problem with Hermann wasis that he got too close. He got too damn close and it was really only a matter of time before he got rejected and burned, because that’s what happens when you’re Newt Geiszler. You get your hopes up and you get pummeled by the world with a freight train.

It wasn’t’s not even funny either, which it should have been. That’s how he facedfaces the world these days, how he laughedlaughs at the sight of enormous monsters and lives crumbling like buildings around them. Everyone thinks he’s just crazy, but he’s not. He’s really not.

When he was still in the regular education system, Newt learned two things. The first was to never ride the bus home from school after Taco Tuesday, unless he wanted to get a faceful of meat sludge surprise. The second was that if you wanted to survive being surrounded by thugs and backstabbers and miscreants of all sorts, you had to either be strong, or you had to be funny. Newt picked the second one.

Whenever someone looked at him the wrong way, he would smile. When Franz Scheft picked him up by his shirt collar and threatened to blow his eyes out, Newt told him that sounded pretty damn gay, and won the entire class’ laughter and admiration for a few golden moments. Of course, he got beat up behind the school later, but it was totally worth it. 

You had to make people feel comfortable around you when you were this smart. You had to keep your words level and pretend you weren’t the smartest in the room, because people don’t like being told they’re average, especially by a fifteen year old who can diagram the entire human body in under a minute. You had to be cool and chill and funny and extremely humble about just how crazy intelligent you wereare, even though it’s just not fair. That was the way Newton Geiszler’s world worked.

At least, until Hermann turned it all on its head.

Hermann was smart. Hermann was scathing. Hermann was like no other person Newt had ever met. He didn’t hide his intelligence, he _reveled_ in it. He refused to pretend that anyone in the Shatterdome could take him on in a test of wits, and dared them to try. He was brilliant and witty and somehow exactly like the man Newt had met in their letters, plus a super adorable scowl. He was everything Newt had realized he’d always needed. They completed each other, like plate tectonics rubbing up against each other and causing earthquakes with their words and minds.

And Hermann was also smart enough to want nothing to do with Newt. 

That was the really fucking frustrating part, because for the slightest inkling of a moment, Newt had thought they’d _had_ something. The Drift had been incredible; his mind had felt calm and sturdy, even in the throes of madness. They had locked into place like it was the easiest thing in the world, and that was the moment Newt knew he could never let go. 

__Of course, a few hours later he was proved horribly wrong, so there they all were. The rest of the PPDC was out celebrating, and he was sulking in his room like a petulant child._ _

__“Screw that,” he mumbled, and with a slam of his bunk door, Newt left to get really fucking smashed._ _

__\--_ _

__Packing up the lab is an arduous task, in the sense that the tension is so sharp you could cut yourself on it. Hermann refused to even look Newt in the eyes, which made it difficult to discern whose equipment went where. Over the years they have borrowed and stolen each other’s things so many times, Newt had ended up with Hermann’s favorite protractor, while Hermann had a scalpel in his desk drawer._ _

__Newt could feel Hermann’s eyes boring into the back of his head, and for the millionth time, cursed the Drift for tuning him in to a man who hates him so much. He felt waves of fury and disappointment coming from him, no doubt directed towards Newt’s ineptitude in picking people to pour his heart into. It pulsed a sickening feeling in his gut, and he dug his nails into his palms a little bit harder._ _

__Finally, he was forced to break the silence when he discovered his box of scissors was missing._ _

__“Hey, Hermann.”_ _

__There was a shuffle of feet, but no reply. He said again, “Hermann. Hermann. HERM-”_ _

__“What, Dr. Geiszler?” Hermann snapped as soon as Newt turned around._ _

__Newt flinched a little at the sudden use of formality but replied, “Do you know where my scissor box is?”_ _

__“No, I don’t,” Hermann answered shortly. Newt sighed._ _

__“Well you’ve gotta have it, because I’ve looked everywhere and I can’t find it.”_ _

__“I can’t possibly understand why _that_ would be a problem, what with the mess you are.”_ _

__Newt stiffened. He knew Hermann didn’t mean it that way, but combined with the stress of turning his life inside out trying to find a new job and home after the Shatterdome had been his for all these years, it was just too damn much. He snapped, “Well I _would_ fucking know about being a mess, wouldn’t I, Hermann?”_ _

__He rolled his eyes. “What on Earth are you talking about, New- Dr. Geiszler?”_ _

__“I’m talking about… y’know! The thing! The thing that happened! In the Drift!”_ _

__“I am perfectly aware of what happened,” Hermann huffed, “and how much we would both like to forget it. What you saw means absolutely nothing.”_ _

__“What _I_ saw?” screeched Newt, “What about what _you_ saw? That’s what you’ve been mad about this whole time!”_ _

__“What I have been furious about is your reaction to my feelings, as well as your inability to accept their presence. It is simply childish.”_ _

__“Oh yeah, cause you’re _so_ one to talk about bad reactions to feelings. I mean, is it really so awful that I’m in love with you?”_ _

__Newt waited tensed for a response, ready to throw out another insult, but Hermann was strangely quiet. And very, very still._ _

__“You…y- ” He swallowed hard. “You love me?”_ _

__Newt shrugged reluctantly. “I mean, yeah, dude. Since, like, the fifth letter you sent me. I thought you saw that in the Drift? And…y’know…that’s why you hate me.”_ _

__Hermann took a few steps forward. “Newton. I could never hate you. Not even if I wanted to.”_ _

__“But - ” Newt stuttered, “but I thought I was an idiot! And you - you were an asshole!”_ _

__Hermann’s face puckered. “In hindsight, I may have been a bit harsh in my…disappointment.”_ _

__“Disappointment?” Newt said, confused until it hit him. “Oh my God. You weren’t disappointed in me. You were disappointed in yourself! You thought _you_ were the screwup!”_ _

__Hermann gave Newt a wry glance. “I assume you have been feeling the effects of the ghost drift as well?”_ _

__Newt nodded excitedly, mood drastically improving, “Yeah, yeah, yeah! Like, I felt it last night, when your leg was hurting? Or that you haven’t gotten enough sleep - you really should by the way - and you’re super tired! It’s crazy!”_ _

__A smile crept onto Hermann’s face. “I…have been experiencing those as well. I thought you discovered my thoughts on you in the Drift and were…repulsed by them. I thought my feelings were not only unrequited, but abhorred.”_ _

__“No,” Newt said, moving closer and grabbing Hermann’s hands suddenly. “No, Hermann, I - I like you. Like, middle school like-like you. A lot. And, I was, y’know. Hoping. That you liked me too.”_ _

__Hermann held Newt’s hands tightly and smiled. “ I love you,” he said, “quite truly and terribly, I’m afraid.”_ _

__Newt’s smile was not a metaphor, it was the sun and the stars and Hermann’s entire, all encompassing universe. His eyes were practically glowing as he said, “You… you mean it? You feel that way about me?”_ _

__Hermann nodded happily, his soul blooming. “Truly. Although I still cannot understand why you feel the same way.”_ _

__Newt held his hands even tighter. His gaze was fierce and passionate when he replied almost immediately, “Because you saw me, you saw every terrible part and thing and all the shit that makes me me, and you decided to stay.”_ _

__“And I always will,” Hermann said firmly. “I do love you, Newton. Quite a lot, actually.”_ _

__“Fucking yeah,” says Newt, and kissed him._ _

__

__For Hermann, it goes like this: a wildfire, a shock of lightning, a burst of radiant color streaming into his vision and wrestling throughout his whole body. A warmth, steady and alcoholic, intoxicating and addictive, spreads to his toes and gives him a glow that he’s sure only Newton can see. It’s ecstatic and wonderful and so entirely Newton, waking up every sense like a cup of warm coffee pressed into cold hands._ _

__

__For Newt, it goes like this: autumn leaves, April rainfall, a gentle blanket of ease settling over him. His mind hums softly, feelings Hermann’s reach out and calm all the noise that crashes around it daily. It’s careful and sweet, understanding every corner of Newt and loving it fiercely._ _

__When they let go, their minds humming with the shared connection, Newt blinked slowly. “Holy shit,” he said. Hermann had a similar expression._ _

__“I mean, like, wow. That was - ”_ _

__“Yes,” said Hermann, raising a hand to gently touch his lips. “‘Wow’ is an accurate descriptor for it.”_ _

__Against all odds, he began to laugh. Newt stared at him for a few moments before joining in, resting his forehead on Hermann’s and gently cupping his cheeks with his hands. In all his life, he’d never felt more electrified and at peace._ _

__Maybe those jocky pilots had the right idea after all._ _


End file.
